The Blog Formerly Known As Practical Paralegalism
You know what I love best about maintaining a blog for paralegals? My readers that send me funny stuff, like this Craigslist ad for a Tuscon, Arizona paralegal or “legal/personal secretary” from my friend whose job I want, because she actually gets paid to read paralegal want ads:
Need a super man or woman who can full-time type, move, file, and organize super fast in a multi-tasking environment. Also needed: trustworthy with top secrets, quick critical thinking skills, researcher with computer files, organized to the extreme. Must be kind with the public yet stern to collect money so you can be paid bonuses. A personal organizer includes keeping detailed calendars, tracking 50+ clients’ movements while keeping in communications with them and your attorney. Keeping your own private office, as well as the attorney’s office, super neat and professional at all times is a must. Must meet daily goals and stream line procedures to prove efficiency at all times. In return, your honesty, hard work, opinions, and quick work product will be rewarded with respect, job security, and financial perks. This is a job where work product is needed each day; therefore, this is not a job where personal calls will be possible during work except for emergencies. Often you will operate on an honor system and a great deal of faith and trust will be placed on you. Your attorney who needs you is one of the most kind and fair (i.e. never yells), but very principled. Do not apply if you cannot show up to work every day on time, if you have any criminal behaviors or abusive drug/alcohol intake. Peoples’ lives will be directly affected if you miss work often. Quickbooks and WordPerfect REQUIRED, Vista, and Family Law experience preferred. First week will be testing/training period part-time to see if career is an excellent match. Email resume and detailed essay about personality and experiences that prove you have the quality traits needed to succeed in this high security clearance position. If any previous employers were unhappy with your performance, include explanation, because all will be called as well as criminal background check will be done. Include all disclosures, including any gaps in time of unemployment, you know all will be discovered, so prove your honesty from the beginning and how you are a changed person from any unfavorable facts. Random drug testing is performed on the premises. If only minimum commissions are earned (base goals only which all prior assistants over years have met) then 25K is minimum pay.
The ad’s a little on the long side, so I helpfully highlighted and italicized the best parts for you, but it was hard, because I could have highlighted and italicized the whole ad.
I’m almost (but not quite) speechless. I find this ad super-alarming (and super-annoying with all the “supers”), and not just the part about getting paid on a commission basis in what seems to be a peculiar family law practice. (Um, “tracking clients’ movements?”).
I tried to imagine what my cover letter for this job might say, but all I could come up with is, “That time I was in the first grade and stole my best friend’s ice cream sandwich right off her lunch tray and practically swallowed it whole created such a lingering sense of shame that it’s put me off ice cream sandwiches ever since, but only the kind with chocolate ice cream in the middle. I believe that these unfavorable facts made me the person I am today, fully capable of presenting just the right blend of kindness and sternness to your clients in order to get paid bonuses.”
Based on this ad, this attorney wouldn’t have to yell to scare me.